Surviving an Affair in Your Marriage

The most common question we get at the Office of The Path To Well-Being  is some form of: “Can you help my marriage survive an affair?”  The answer is Absolutely, Yes.  More and more, couples making the choice to try and save their marriages instead of filing for divorce. Marriage counselors are very skilled at helping couples navigate the emotional Carousel ride that an affair throws them onto.  Marriage counselors provide the skills to help you through it.

“Getting off the Carousel”

In our first session with couples we ask them to describe their strengths, admiration and respect of the relationship, and memories that stand out as good.  I love this part of our assessment as it gives me an idea of how the couple perceives their relationship.  George and Lori came to me after George discovered Lori was in the midst of a year-long affair.  The impact was devastating…for George. George had an intense reaction during the assessment portion of their strengths.  He was confused, sad, and angry.  A common impact of discovering an affair is that memories of the relationship become obvious by this new information.  George had begun to question their history in a way that hindered him from seeing any strengths or good in their relationship.  He said “How can we have any strengths if an affair was going on?  I don’t admire anything about this marriage anymore!”

George is not alone.  The aftermath of an affair is very painful, wounding and confusing.  Most couples will describe this experience as an “emotional Carousel”, where the victim has intense emotional turns, a preoccupation with the violation, blaming, anger, self-doubt, fear, and loss of rationality.  Problems that existed in the relationship prior to the discovery may become more intensified after the affair.  You may start to look at your life from a very different set of eyes, eyes that are more suspicious, open and less likely to trust without evidence.  No one likes to feel out of control or as if they can’t trust their own mind, partner and instincts.  I empathize with the level of discomfort that comes with mistrust and encourage couples to process that emotion rather than creating methods that foster false trust).   At that point trust is only intact if there is a way to measure it.  George felt these attempts gave him more safety in the marriage but instead it created an element of control in the marriage that Lori eventually resented.

Most couples may entertain the idea of separation at this stage in order to cope with the carousel.  However, it is important to avoid turning a disruption into a tragedy by making permanent decisions about your marriage during the carousel stage.  When emotions are this strong it is difficult to make a decision you’ll find peace with for the rest of your life.

When I see a couple experiencing this type of disruption I take great care in validating the victim and educating the offender about the carousel phase.   I teach couples how to adopt wound healing levels of transparency.  What a couple really wants at this stage is to feel understood and loved.  The victim in particular is looking for accountability and validation.  In George and Lori's case, when George was feeling triggered or having a rough day with the preoccupation of his thoughts, Lori attempted to sooth him by trying to convince him not to worry because she loved him so much.  George became angry and felt that she did not understand his pain.

Through supportive marriage counseling, George learned to verbalize what he was feeling and why he was feeling it. He learned to communicate to Lori what he needed.  It is the victim’s want to help the offender understand their pain. George and Lori were instructed to make this a regular practice in order for George to heal.  Several times a week they carved out time for George to verbalize what he felt, while Lori listened, validated, took responsibility, and apologized.  George’s emotional reactivity was less intense when he felt Lori was authentic in her understanding of his pain. He believed that if she really understood his pain, she would be less likely to violate trust again.  And he’s right.

George and Lori worked extremely hard over the course of about 9 months and learned to listen, support, and communicate with each other in a honest and authentic ways.  They have both been able to step off the emotional carousel and have both, separately, decided that they want to stay together and strengthen their marriage.

Please contact a marriage counselor if you and your spouse are recovering from an affair there is reason for hope. Marriage counseling can rebuild trust through a process but it’s possible with tenderness of the heart and forgiveness.  Yes, your marriage can survive an affair.