A marriage counselor, therapist or coach an help your marriage heal, so call The Path To Well-Being today located near Manassas, Woodbridge, Haymarket and Gainesville for a free mini consult at 703-382-6871. 

As a marriage counselor/coach/therapist you work with many individuals struggling with the controlling nature of their partner. In some cases, one partner is more controlling but most often, both people are exerting an unhealthy level of control or wounding comments in their relationship. The one doing the controlling usually doesn’t see it as an issue, they view control as being “right.” 

“If they would just do what I tell them to do, everything would be okay.” 

“If  they’d just listen to me, we’d be better off.” 

“They just don’t want to admit that I’m right.”

However, gone unnoticed and unchecked, controlling behavior can lead to feelings of disrespect, hurt, hopelessness and anger. We all want to have our way sometimes but when our way becomes the only way at the expense of our partner’s feelings, we are doing our lover a disservice. Not to mention setting ourselves up to live a very lonely life. 

The goal of a counselor/coach and therapist  is to help couples end the “control-conflict-anger-resentment” cycle, stop justifying their behavior during this cycle and learn how to communicate better with a healthy dose of listening. 

A marriage counselor, therapist or coach an help your marriage heal, so call The Path To Well-Being today located near Manassas, Woodbridge, Haymarket and Gainesville for a free mini consult at 703-382-6871. 

The first step is understanding the root cause of control issue.

The Seductive Illusion of Control

Control is a seductive illusion. When we think it’s working, it encourages us to exert more of it. Even when it comes from the best of intentions, trying to control your loved one can damage a relationship. The one being controlled is forced to the demands put on them and the controller is then responsible for the outcome of every situation. This cycle of control should be avoided early on in your relationship.

What causes the controlling type of behavior?

Fear is the most common cause for controlling behavior types. We tend to tighten our grip when we’re acting on fear – think of the death grip you give the pole on the carousel  right before it takes off!  When fear kicks in, we think tightening our grip can stop the bad things from happening. In relationships, one person is saying, “Stop trying to control me.” while the other person sees that protest as some how completely unjustified. The more one protests, the tighter the other’s grip becomes and they both end up in a cycle that’s hard to break the wounds.

Fear can also come from experiences – Not being able to control your life or environment, the feeling that things were spinning out of control, general chaos in your household or family dynamic, having a controlling spouse. 

Where Does This Fear Come from in the First Place? 

Most the time, fear comes from marriage experiences such as:

• Not being able to control your life, finances or your environment;

• The feeling that things kept spinning out of control;

• Chaos in the house or the family due to triangulation.

Living with a domineering partner can create the feeling that they are getting a need met while our needs go unsatisfied. We can become afraid that we’ll never get our needs met if we aren’t assertive, which is a lot to take on for a dependent spouse, and as we drive forward for what we want, we get steamrolled by others around us. 

A marriage counselor, therapist or coach an help your marriage heal, so call The Path To Well-Being today located near Manassas, Woodbridge, Haymarket and Gainesville for a free mini consult at 703-382-6871. 

How to Correct Those Controlling Behaviors

Be aware of your own behavior.

Reflect on your own behaviors and actions at the end of each day, when things are still fresh on your mind. When might you have been controlling? Who did you try to control? What situations did you try to control? What were you feeling when you were being controlled? Awareness is the first step in making a positive change. When we can label and confront our feelings, we can see patterns in our own behaviors that are not effective in our relationship.

Connect with your true fear.

What is the underlying fear that’s driving your behavior to stay with a controller? Are you afraid of not being able to control your life or your environment or finances? Maybe you’re afraid that things were spinning out of your control? Maybe you’re still feeling that there will be some kind of chaos in the house or the family if you don’t allow your spouse to control everything? Acknowledge that fear is driving you to hopelessness. Be honest and identify that fear and resolve to bring it out in the open with the one who is controlling.

Take responsibility for your own actions

Your spouse  may have stepped on a lot of toes with your their controlling behavior. That’s okay. People are generally forgiving when they apologize and take full responsibility for their actions. Don’t place blame on yourself. Instead, tell them that you need some time to reflect on your allowing this  in order to do better in the future.  A skilled marriage counselor/coach, marriage counseling practice or couples therapist can help you achieve the results you are looking for in your relationship. 

Loosen your controlling grip.

Consciously adjust the power dynamic in your relationships by giving control to others when appropriate. Be patient with yourself as loved one when you adjust to this new normal. Over time you’ll notice that the control you thought you had is no more real than the control others are placing on you in the relationship.. You can let your loved one take the lead in some areas of your life. In fact, this is essential to a healthy relationship. A skilled marriage counselor/coach, marriage counseling practice or couples therapist can help you achieve the results you are looking for in your relationship. 

Relationships are about give and take with the power dynamic constantly shifting as needed. Trying to control your partner throws that dynamic balance off and can damage a relationship over time. You can correct your controlling behaviors by first addressing the fear you are feeling behind them. If you need professional guidance, click here for Relationship help to schedule your complimentary initial consultation with me.

A marriage counselor, therapist or coach an help your marriage heal, so call The Path To Well-Being today located near Manassas, Woodbridge, Haymarket and Gainesville for a free mini consult at 703-382-6871.